I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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