hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize