I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
