My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
