I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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