captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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