chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
