My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Randomize
