My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
