I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
It's not a walk of shame if you run
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
