Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
