so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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