Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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