The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
