im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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