All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
