dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
