capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
