so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
