Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
