yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Randomize
