I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
