Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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