If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
