Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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