Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
