I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
