we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
