You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
