Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
