I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
