I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
did i just pee glitter
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
