I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
