dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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