I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
