He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
