Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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