so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
