now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I party with great urgency now.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
