OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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