Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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