Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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