I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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