Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
