He is an equal opportunity slut.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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