I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
