these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
