then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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