The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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