i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize