she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
