And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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