My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
