Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
