Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
