she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
