wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
