Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
