bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I will pee on everything he values.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize