Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
